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yes brain, you can has

April 2015

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The Blogger's Prayer

Lo, there do I see my posts.
Lo, there do I see my tweets.
Lo, there do I see my gifsets and my picspams.
Lo, there do I see the line of my blog, back to the beginning.
Lo, they do call to me.
They bid me take my place among them on the Internets,
Where the geek may live forever.

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astro_noms: (now panic and freak out)
So the university (or rather our department) is doing its damnedest to fuck us over by introducing a proposal to change the date we have to submit the final versions of our MA theses - from two weeks before the defense to TEN WEEKS. Which means that we might have to have them ready by just after Easter, or else have to defend in the fall. Apparently everyone at the department board meeting was against it, and the dean was the one who pushed for it, they're going to have him "think it over" and issue a final ruling that nobody will be able to appeal. And to make matters worse, nobody from the student council was at the meeting, which they're supposed to attend so they can, you know, look out for our interests.

Which is, of course, bullshit. And it not only affects us but also our thesis supervisors, who have to put together the exam commissions and find reviewers and everything else that much earlier. But, you know, who cares about that? There's some office monkey somewhere higher up in the hierarchy, possibly in the ministry of education, who incidentally has no idea what the fuck they're doing, who decided to show off by submitting a proposal like this, and now everyone's running with it. Without a moment's thought for the students. And now nobody knows what's happening, and everyone's in a panic, and don't even try to figure out how to plan the next six months of your life because fuck you, that's why.

I'm personally leaning towards deferring my defense till the fall anyway, because that'll give me a little more time to finish my thesis without having to, as our supervisor told us to do, cutting whatever's not needed and just getting it done. I may hate this university, I may hate my institute, I may hate my advisor, and I may hate the useless, unimaginative, lifeless husk that I call my thesis, but goddammit, I've made it this far, and I'd like for this thing to actually be something more than throwing up half-digested bits of other people's research and calling it a thesis. *siiiiigh*

We found all of this out on Tuesday, and I've been so fucking pissed off since then, I can't think straight. I have an essay to write for tomorrow, plus a cover letter and a resume to put together (also for tomorrow) so I can apply for the internship program they're offering this year. If I get into the program, it's 120 hours over two months, with the possibility of being offered a job with the company we intern with. Which means that I'll have less time to work on my thesis, which means I probably won't make the deadline, whether they move it or not. But the thing is, the internship is going to be a lot more useful to me in my professional life than a degree nobody cares about me having. So that's pretty much my decision made for me.
astro_noms: (improving morale)
So for one of our classes, with the oh-so-appealing name "Writing on the Doorstep: Dwelling and Hospitality in Contemporary American Fiction," we had to write four 1-2 page response papers to some of the texts/novels/movies we discussed in class. And throughout the semester, our instructor kept reminding us about plagiarism and the rules and basically "don't do the thing." In our last class, I handed in the last of my assignments, and we all settled in to wait for him to grade them and give us our final marks. Then a few days ago, we got another e-mail from him, saying that despite the warnings and instructions, there were still papers with plagiarism issues, and would the people who did the thing please get in touch with him and "propose a further course of action." But you know, there wasn't actually a list of people, and he didn't get in touch with us individually. I guess he was expecting us all to come and see him to pick up our papers and get our index books signed. So I decided to e-mail him and ask, because I won't be back until the end of the semester, and I'd like to know all my grades before I leave.

And you see where this is going, don't you?

He e-mailed me to let me know he'd get back to me with grades and comments today, but there's an issue with one of my papers, where I totally "misappropriated someone else's words as mine," which is, by the institute's rules, plagiarism. I'm too pissed off with myself to check what the rules for dealing with that are (it's one paper out of four, hopefully it won't mean a failing grade, but I'll probably get a barely passing one instead), and it's 3pm and I haven't heard from him yet, and it's so frustrating, because I did forget to cite the quote, and printed out that version, but then I fixed it and printed out the correct version, only apparently I got them mixed up and handed in the wrong one by mistake. *facepalm^infinity* I wrote back to tell him that last night, but he's just as likely to say "nope, sorry, don't believe you" as he is to give me a break.

So, yeah... Oops. If he decides to fail me, I can say goodbye to qualifying for a stipend. It won't be the end of the world, but oy vey, the whining from my family if I don't... /o\
astro_noms: (rainbow umbrella)

Wanderlust: A very strong and irresistible impulse or desire to travel the world.

I'm leaving for my trip in about 80 hours, and I still have to decide what I'm going to take and PACK ALL THE THINGS and catch up on some work before I go and AHHHHHHH I'M GOING TO NEW YORK AGAIN.

*curls up and breathes into paper bag*

Mirrored from Tangents and Digressions.

astro_noms: (bandom: color of danger)
*rocks back and forth* SO MUCH SCHOOLWORK TO DO. And yet I can't focus on anything that I actually need to be doing. I should be writing a response paper for tomorrow's class, but my brain checked out on me a couple of hours ago and nothing I do is helping. *cries*

Things I need to write:

- 3 response papers for the Writing on the Doorstep class
- essay for Children's Lit class
- presentation for Life Writing class
- presentation for conversations class
- paper for translation class
- finish assignment for translation class
- as much as I can write of the first chapter of my MA thesis

And all of this has to be done before the 21st. *cries forever and ever* I'm not panicking. Yet.

BUT HEY AT LEAST I GOT MY YEAR-END MIX FINISHED.


here at [community profile] inmediasres
astro_noms: (so tired zomg)
So I went to see an ENT specialist today, and between paying for the visit and paying for the meds, spent a lot of money on my health, like, 1/6th of my entire monthly budget. Eep. But I'm getting pretty desperate to get rid of this sinusitis/tracheitis/whatever the hell is going on with me, and just be better. I'm tired of coughing, I'm tired of sniffling, and I'm just plain sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Nothing gross, just cutting for medical discussion and length. )
astro_noms: (fly away)
Is there a name for that feeling of "what do I do now?" that comes with the end of a work project that previously took up all your time and now that it's done, you have other stuff you want to do, but you just don't have the motivation? Because that's pretty much how I've felt this week. I have fun stuff I could do. I have school stuff I need to do. I have movies to watch and TV to catch up on. And all I've done is go to class, get through the day, and then come home and nap. :\

I know it's probably normal for my brain to need to rest, but it'd be really awesome if it could also shut up with all the ideas and little reminders that yes, my thesis advisor is going to expect me to come back from the Christmas break with at least a few pages of the first chapter written, and hey, I'd better get on that, pronto. Every time I look at my computer, I'm reminded of all the stories that I haven't finished, and all the ideas rattling around in my brain for new stories.

I had a meeting with my advisor on Monday, and while I didn't come right out and say "I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing," I kind of hinted at being a bit lost, and he helped me lay out a bit of a path, so there's that at least. Hopefully I can actually manage to pull my shit together over the break and cobble together an outline and maybe actually start working on the first chapter. Because our MA seminar group was assembled after the semester started, we don't have any formal classes with him this term. I asked him what his requirement for our grades is going to be—some seminar groups have a 10 page research proposal due, others have a title and a bibliography, others just have to have an idea about what they're going to write about and start putting things together. He said "I don't want you to just talk about what you're going to do, I want you to do it." I'm going to aim for an outline and getting the theory basics down into something coherent, and possibly go and see him after the break to make sure I'm on the right track.

My author sent me another partial payment for the translation, but since she lives in France, the bank transfer takes a while, so I've been sitting here, refreshing my bank website, waiting. She sent it through Monday night, which means it was sent through on Tuesday morning, but it takes, in the words of a bank customer service rep, "up to four business days" for them to go through. I'm pretty sure the last time it took like, a day, but I could be wrong. I just really really really hope it gets here tomorrow, because I'd really like to be able to get some food and also get a ticket to go home for Christmas. I was hoping it would get here today, and had been considering getting a small Christmas tree for the spare room with some random decorations for it, but it's probably a good thing that it didn't, because if I'm going to be gone for over a week, the thing would just dry up and shed needles all over the place and nobody wants to clean that up.

[redacted "ugh, going home for Christmas" rant because nobody wants to see that, including me] Let's focus instead on the possibility that I might (MIIIIIGHT) be able to swing going to New York for the winter break in February. I've never been there in the winter, and I imagine it might make a nice change from the OMG DYING heat of July/August. And if I can manage the tickets (next month, though, so the prices will probably go up, but alas, I can't afford it right now), I'm totes calling it a birthday present to myself. Cross your crossables, folks!
astro_noms: (arrow: green)
It sucks having to watch every single thing I say and do, but if I'm willing to make the effort, the result is a fairly frictionless interaction with everyone, so maybe it's worth it. I'm just so tired of having to walk on eggshells around everyone and not speaking up when people thoughtlessly trample all over my feelings. *sigh*

The cakes both turned out awesome, you can barely tell there are lumps in the cream, and despite being composed of several pieces each, the cake layers held together and looked and tasted fucking amazing. I'm crediting the gluing power of my tears and rage, which are apparently not only crunchy and delicious, but combined with some willpower also make for good desserts.

Today my grandfather backed into some dude's car that was hauling Christmas trees and shattered the rear windshield in his car (everyone's fine, the only damage was to the window). This means I have to change my travel plans, but hopefully I can figure out something that will let me get back to Wrocław at some point tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to schlepping my suitcase/purse/camera tripod with me to the hospital (I have to go pick up some paperwork) before going back home, but it might be the best solution. I've got a few trains I can catch during the day, so I've got choices.

I'm ready to go home. For whatever value of "home" can be applied to my place in Wrocław.

*siiiiiigh*
astro_noms: (omg what is this)
So I'm kinda freaking out. My cousin and I came back from the Day of the Doctor viewing party around 1:30 am, and I was going to quickly throw my stuff in a suitcase and then go to sleep, but the next thing I knew it was 4:30 am and I was still awake. I'm trying to pretend everything is hunky dory, at least in front of my grandparents, but the fact that Gran keeps bringing it up and talking about it isn't helping much. Which means I'm tired and stressed and freaking out and just... AHHHHHHHHH. O_@

I'm pretty sure they're not going to do anything tomorrow, maybe just take some blood and do some x-rays or whatever, but who knows? I'm running around the house trying to figure out what I'm going to bring (no, Gran, I'm not taking a nightgown to the hospital *eyeroll*). I need to load up some music onto my tablet, make sure all the batteries are charged, and that all the power cables are packed. I've got a notebook, pen & pencils, and even a regular paper book to read (Nabokov's Pale Fire in the Polish translation). I also grabbed my kindle in case I want to read something else, because while I love my tablet, reading longer stuff on it is kind of a pain.

I'm hoping all of this doesn't turn out to be one big useless trip. I don't think they'll decide that fixing my deviated septum isn't the solution to my problems, and the doctor is aware that that's what I'm coming in for, but who knows? I've come to expect a lot of fuckery from the Polish health care system, and I can only hope I'm not disappointed.

I guess at some point this week I'll also have to get in some more work on the translation, and probably at least one of the response papers I have to write for a class. I'm not sure that an absence, even one completely excused by being in the hospital, is enough to postpone the deadline, so I'll probably have to try and focus at least a bit. ARGH.
astro_noms: (by the light of the blood moon)
(Yes, I know the full moon isn't until tomorrow, but I've got an almost-full moon shining through my window right now, and I couldn't resist the subject line. And for once, the keywords for this icon, "by the light of the blood moon," are appropriate, since the October full moon is apparently the Blood Moon.)

I am at my grandparents' this weekend, because Grandpa is going to visit his sister (Gran has refused to go, so much so that the mere mention of the possibility of her going is met with I'M NOT GOING AND THAT'S FINAL STOP BOTHERING ME), so I needed to come down and spend a couple of days with her. I'm hoping to get some work done tomorrow afternoon, hopefully, because the last few days have been a disaster where that's concerned. I've been feeling under the weather and fighting off a cold or some sort of plague, and so I've been ending up lying down "for a short nap" and sleeping through the afternoons. Hopefully the tactic of letting my body rest as much as it wants and keeping it warm and full of vitamin C and cold/flu meds will help. My cousin/roommate is sick, taking antibiotics, and barely functioning, and I really don't want to get sick, too.

I have a meeting with my thesis advisor on Monday, for a preliminary discussion of my thesis, and AHHHHHHHH, I have no idea what I'm going to say. Generally, I know what I'd like to write about, but I need to sit down and like, plan out what I'm going to say so I can be coherent and not ramble on like I usually do. I think he'll approve of the general topic, and I hope he'll be able to steer me through the "omg what do I do?!" minefield. The biggest possible problem I can see is that he's an anthropological linguistics specialist, and I'm not really on friendly terms with linguistics—or, well, I like reading about it, and talking about it, but actually learning the stuff and then having to demonstrate my knowledge in a test? GET IT AWAY FROM ME KILL IT WITH FIRE. But the approach I want to take to my thesis is closer to anthropological linguistics than it is to literary theory, which is what I've focused on up until now, so hopefully we can make it work.

Annnd I just realized why the entries crossposted from my other blog all turned up with the same icon—my DW account expired, so not all the icons are there. Boo. That's going to have to wait until next month, at least, since I'm kinda skint broke right now. Bleh.

Tomorrow morning, I'm going grocery shopping with Grandpa before he leaves, and I've decided I'm going to pick up ingredients for this yogurt chocolate cake with chocolate ganache. I may go crazy and bake the orange yogurt cake with Grand Marnier and dried cranberries (also linked from the first recipe) and take it with me when I go back to Wrocław on Sunday.
astro_noms: (fuck you because unicorn)
They've announced that "due to administrative issues" they're not going to extend the number of spots in the translation seminar, so those of us who didn't manage to sign up are SOL and have to sign up for other ones. I managed to snag a spot in the "Friendship in 19th Century British Literature" group, which is... well, sucky beyond belief. But in the interests of keeping my sanity and actually being able to function and attend classes, I'm going to try and make the best of it. I need to go to the dean's office tomorrow to find out how it works when you have someone else as your advisor (because it's possible to do that), whether you have to basically do double the work—both the seminar stuff in something you're not interested in, and the research for the thesis, or whether your advisor grades your work and the other instructor just inputs it, or what.

If it's possible not to do double the work, I'll have to do some more work over the weekend and write an actual thesis proposal so I can take it to the instructor I want to ask to be my advisor, and then get started on formalizing the paperwork. If it's not possible, I may attempt it anyway, provided I can get a clear answer on the "how does it work" front. And the worst case scenario is that I won't do a translation MA, and will have to redirect my efforts and try to get a bit more interested in literature again.

I read the seminar description in more detail tonight, and if I get stuck in the worst case scenario, there are possible glimmers of hope in the part about what we can write about:
Friendship in 19th-Century British Literature
In the seminar, the emphasis falls on the literary realizations of the theme of friendship in 19th-century British fiction. However, the modernist and contemporary realizations of the theme of friendship will also be considered. Thus, with the theoretical basis in cultural studies, the students’ theses can also be written with the focus on contemporary popular fiction as exemplified by the works of Tom Holland (retreat into coteries, secret societies in contemporary gothic: The Vampire, Deliver us from Evil, Supping with Panthers).

Theoretical references: In the seminar the discourse of friendship it is approached (1) from the critical perspective of cultural materialism and New historicism, as a cultural, historical and political construct, and (2) from the philosophical perspective, as an important concept in ethics. Thus, it is viewed as a concept evolving in the debate conducted within the sphere of philosophical ethics beginning from the classical ideals of friendship (Plato’s, Aristotle’s, Cicero’s) , to medieval Christian (St. Aquinas), to Montaigne, to Kant’s taxonomy, finally, to contemporary consideration of friendship in the works of Gadamer, Derrida, and Agamben. However, there will also be considered works of the philosophers who do not discuss friendship as such, but rather human relationships within a broader ethical perspective of responsibility (Levinas) and solidarity (Rorty). The philosophical questions concerning friendship will include the problems of taxonomy of friendship and other relationships (C. S. Lewis, Aristotle, Kant), and the issue such as, for example, utilitarian and ideal friendship, disclosure in friendship, ending friendship, another self-in friendship, moral limits to friendship, self-sufficiency, celebrating sameness and difference, self-love, self- delusion, pride, vainglory and justice in friendship.
So, you know, if contemporary popular fiction is allowed, maybe I can do something with that.

*cries* I should have known something like this would happen. I got my hopes up, I got too far ahead of myself, and now I'm paying for it. But I'm not going to let the last three years go to waste, goddammit. I will not let this get to me. I WILL NOT LET THIS BREAK ME.

And if it doesn't work out my way, maybe I'll just set the building on fire.
astro_noms: (dinosaurs can love too)
It is now after midnight, so this totally counts as a Monday post.

On Saturday, I went to Wrocław to look for a place, and managed to find one! My cousin and I are going to be renting a place together. It's a three bedroom apartment on the lower floor of a two-floor house, and it's kinda awesome. It's a little expensive, so we may end up getting a third person to take the third room, but for the moment, we'll try it this way. We may have to eat a bit more ramen than normal (or bring bigger care packages from home), but I'm optimistic about our chances. She's a lovely girl, a bit of a fangirl too, so we'll have things in common that way other than just being family.

I'm hoping the place will work out. We have to go over there tomorrow to pay rent and probably sign some sort of rental thingy (things like that aren't formalized here in Poland, so IDK what the lady owner will want to do), and then she's going back home because her classes don't start until Wednesday. Neither do mine, but because I'm starting my MA program, I've got an organizational meeting on Tuesday.

So far, registration for classes has been a disaster. They divided the number of students by the number of seminars they're offering and ended up with 12 spots for each one. The problem is that there's only one translation seminar, but a lot more candidates than just 12. Put together slow internet + buggy browser with everyone trying to register all at once, and the seminar filled up in about a minute and a half. And there's no provision for setting up a second seminar group, or extending this one. Even though there is one seminar that's completely empty because nobody wants to pursue "second language acquisition studies" apparently. So there's been a lot of frustration this weekend, and people telling me that this is normal, that it's always messy like this at the beginning, that master's programs are always geared towards the instructors' interests and not what the students want, etc. Don't get me wrong, I love the fact that university is free in Poland. But the advantage of having to pay for my classes is that I get what I pay for—and I can demand to be treated like a paying customer, instead of being told that I should be grateful I'm given a chance to study. What's there to be grateful for if I'm forced to study something I have no interest in because the administration wasn't competent enough to ensure that there would be enough seminars relevant to people? *sigh* I've got a request letter I'm going to drop off tomorrow that basically amounts to some fancy begging to please let me have a spot in the seminar, because otherwise I'll be stuck with "Friendship in 19th Century British Literature" with a professor I don't really enjoy having classes with, and I really fucking hope I can figure something out because I really don't want to have to write an MA thesis on literature when I've spent the last three months gearing up for writing one on translation studies.

BUT. First things first. Moving tomorrow! Apartment, unpacking, then locating a grocery store and getting settled in. then Tuesday I'll go to the meeting and we'll see where things go from there. Good thoughts re: school will be appreciated this week, though.

ETA: Oh! I forgot! Because there's no internet at the new place yet, and all I have is my mobile router with a limited amount of data, this week's uploads will probably be a bit late. Sorry about that.
astro_noms: (you sparkle; we should frolic)
So for a while there, there was only the barest trickle of translation jobs coming my way. The translation company in Krakow went silent, and there weren't any big jobs or anything. Then I got the book translation contract, and the author recommended me to a friend of hers who does marketing texts and stuff (and OK, that one is only a theoretical future thing, but it could turn into something). I fell pretty far behind on the book translation while my mom was here, so I'm scrambling to catch up. The contract says November 1 as the deadline, which haaaa, no, but the author has reassured me repeatedly that that date is not set in stone and she's fine with it taking longer. Which is all fine and good, but the longer it takes to finish, the longer it'll take for me to get paid. And then today I got an e-mail from the Krakow company with an offer of getting in on a big translation project for another museum. They want to know how many pages I can take this month with an October 4th deadline and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhh I don't know what to do.

My mom says "TAKE IT OMG!" My grandma says "be careful that you don't take too much on." My brain says "take on a bit, because it'll be money coming in sooner than the book." But I'm starting school in three weeks, I still have to find a place to live, and I need to go to Wrocław within the next 4-5 days, so that's going to be another whole day I don't get any work done in, and lord knows that while my grandparents have finally started to understand the whole "I'm not here, I need to *work" thing and have mostly stopped calling me down for trivial things and distracting me, there's still a lot of everyday things that *do distract me, and I still don't get as much work done as I should be getting, and all of this is starting to get a bit overwhelming and waahhhhh, my life, so hard.

Objectively, I know that if I'm going to make it as a translator, I need to get used to having to work faster and on multiple projects at the same time, and that I can't not take a job because I've got a lot on my plate, because money is money, and as long as I'm a freelancer, I'm not exactly flush with cash on a regular basis. Objectively, I know it's a pretty good sign that the translation company is calling on me with big projects like these, that they know they can rely on me, and that I've built some kind of rep with them. Subjectively, I'm terrified that the book translation sucks, and that I'm going to take on too much and crash and burn miserably and be an utter failure and oh god, school starts in three weeks, and that means I'm going to have to start thinking about a dissertation topic and I think I'm going to go breathe into a paper bag for a while...

NOPE

Jun. 29th, 2013 10:20 am
astro_noms: (now panic and freak out)
Yesterday was such a good day, and so was this morning, for about half a hour, and then I sat down at the computer to try and work and my brain just seized up and my heart started pounding and I can't breathe and—

NOPE.

*crawls back into bed and pulls blankets over head* NOPE NOPE NOPE.
astro_noms: (fly away)
I got news yesterday from Banff, where my dad lives. As you may know, there's extensive flooding in Alberta right now, with Calgary getting hit, as well as Canmore and Banff. I don't quite know how extensive the damage in Banff is, but because it's in a kind of precarious position, its infrastructure has been affected by the floods - so there's no phones, no internet, etc. in some places. I called my dad to find out if they were OK, but all I got was the answering machine, and they didn't call me back. My uncle called me yesterday to let me know that my dad got in touch with him to let him know that they're OK, but that they're phone- and internet-less at the moment. But at least I know they're safe. Phew!

I finished my exams last week, so now there's just the last two parts of the BA exam left. We put in a few solid hours of studying on the literary theory yesterday with Marta and a few other girls, but I personally will have to do a repeat of that before next Wednesday, just to refresh my memory. Then there's the American literature part, which is probably going to be a pain, because they can ask questions like what was the route a character drove in a book we read three years ago, and OK, it's significant, but jfc, the details they ask for are freakishly, well, detailed.

I also have until next Friday to write the research proposal, and while I still have no idea how to go about doing that, I've got a vague idea about what I actually want to write, so at least there's that. I have a feeling the whole process is going to involve a lot of sitting in a library and making notes on what books I can use for the bibliography and then cobbling it together at the last minute. *sigh*

Things to do over the next week:

- STUDY
- research and write research proposal
- get new photos taken and printed out for BA diploma and grad school application
- possibly pack some of the non-absolutely-essential stuff around the room
- make appointment with family doctor
- make appointment with OBGYN
- maintain calm and clarity and sanity

ETA: I forgot to mention, Falling Skies, Longmire, Mistresses, and Warehouse 13 are uploaded, as well as the pilot for Under the Dome, if anyone's interested.
astro_noms: (fuck you because unicorn)

I feel like this is the only thing that can adequately sum up my feelings on EVERYTHING today—or, well, let's face it, this month:


NOPE



Today's uploads: Longmire, The Fall, Warehouse 13.

Mirrored from Tangents and Digressions.

je refuse

Jun. 10th, 2013 11:55 pm
astro_noms: (fuck you because unicorn)
Welp, I failed the French test. Not surprising, I fucked up the vocab part royally (assuming I didn't also fuck up the grammar). Make-up test is on Wednesday. At this point, I don't even care what mark I get, as long as it's a pass. I just want this fucking nightmare of a course done and over with so I never have to think about it again. Unfortunately, that still requires passing the oral exam, which is going to be... difficult, to say the least.

To cheer me up, we got some good news today, which is that they're giving us two dates to write the BA exam on - June 26th and July 3. The later date means that if we fail anything we might actually have time for a make-up exam (without it we'd have been fucked). I'm not sure if we'll be trying to move the French oral to a later date as well (right now it's on the same day as another exam), I guess we'll have to talk about that with the rest of the group. I've already changed the date of the BA exam in my calendar, because seriously, an extra week to get ready and have some breathing room? Fuck yeah.

Right now I'm trying to talk myself out of an anxiety attack and calm down enough to go to bed. We have a History of English early exam tomorrow (possibly of the "a fail on this doesn't hurt, because it's a zero-term, which means it doesn't count unless you pass" variety, but we're not sure yet), and [livejournal.com profile] upupa_epops spent six hours studying for it today, but with the way my brain has been, I'm not really sure I'm going to remember anything in the morning, so the final decision on whether or not I actually write it will have to wait till then. Right now it's fighting off the anxiety and the increasing feeling like I'm going to throw up.

Uploads: Game of Thrones, Falling Skies, Continuum, in the usual place, user/password still the same as in the last locked post.
astro_noms: (goodnight everybody)


I listed all the finals I have in the next month (!!!) to my mom, and she was all "oh my god, I can't believe you have so many!" and it's like, yeah, I have a couple more exams this year (that actually take place in the exam session), but this semester I have the fewest classes in the last three years. Well, no, that's not right, the first term in Wales had even fewer, but there was a lot more work involved in those, so they don't count. And logically, I know everything's going to be OK - I may not get the highest marks possible, but I probably won't have too much trouble passing (except for History of English, which freaks me out because I have no idea how to even get started studying for it) - but I can't help stressing out over the whole thing anyway. Like, I've been alternating between having zero motivation and zero fucks to give, wanting to curl up and cry, and actually sitting here and bursting into tears.

Which is what happened today. They posted the MA seminars we'll have to choose from next year, and of course the guy who told me that my approach to the topic I was thinking of writing on was "too Western" and that I should try to make things more "encyclopedic" is the one running the translation seminar. *headdesk* I'm going to try and get to the dean's office tomorrow morning before class and find out if there's a procedure for finding a different advisor (I'm sure it involves written requests in triplicate and probably at least a piece of my soul) but as things stand right now, I cannot see myself writing anything with the current seminar instructor as an advisor (mostly because I got my hopes up and he unceremoniously stomped on them, and also he's running our integrated skills/grammar class this semester, and I realize that it's not his fault that the curriculum and the testing procedures are shitty, but I'm blaming him for it anyway and WE HATES HIM, PRECIOUS) (and yes, I realize I'm being overly dramatic, but shut up, let me have my freak out). I've sent out notes to other universities asking if they have lists of seminars for next year yet, so I'm not totally excluding the possibility that I won't be staying at UWr for my MA. I just... There's only one translation seminar, and I really don't want to get stuck having to do something I don't want to do just because the advisor wants me to go go by the book and not try to come up with anything new and challenging. I thought that was the point of grad school, getting to do new things! trying to come up with new approaches! But nope, don't rock the boat, don't think too hard, and don't you dare come up with anything other than what's already been done to death, because otherwise you'll make life more difficult for your advisor, and you don't want to do that, now, do you? FUCK POLISH ACADEMIA IN THE EAR.

Why do I have to go to grad school, anyway? Why can't I just run away and live on a small island off the coast of Scotland (or the Pacific Northwest) (or somewhere possibly less rainy) (but let's face it, I'd totally take either one of those places anyway)?

I'm sorry for all the woe and angst and whining that's been going on here lately. I JUST HAVE ALL THESE FEELINGS and I don't know what to do with them. Hopefully in about 4-6 weeks, things will settle down a bit (unless of course I don't pass my finals / don't pass the BA exam / don't get into grad school, in which case I apologize in advance).

Also, apologies for the late uploads from earlier this week. I'll try to get the post done at some point tomorrow, because I just don't have the spoons tonight.
astro_noms: (now panic and freak out)
Today is Friday, right? I can hermit away for the weekend and ignore people and everything, right? RIGHT? *clings to you*

Don't mind me, just freaking about about stuff. And things. But mostly stuff. Also having FEELINGS. )

And now I think I'm going to go have a drink and try to calm down before I freak myself out into another panic attack.
astro_noms: (improving morale)
I have a proseminar today in which we're going to discuss feminism and gender. Just thinking about what my classmates will be like makes me gag. DO NOT WANT. We have something like three or four guys in the class, and I'm actually expecting them to be more or less thoughtful and able to contribute to the discussion. Some of the girls, though, view feminism through the prism of *Polish *second-wave feminism (as do a lot of people in Poland, really), and treat it like something icky and unfortunate and can't we just lock it in the attic and pretend it doesn't exist? If I had any herbal sedative pills left, I'd be popping them right now because I've got a feeling it's not going to be an easy class.

And then next week, we get to discuss masculinities and race, so THAT SHOULD BE FUN ALSO.

Add to that the frustration with people in my year who are all "oh no, they moved up grad school registration to the same time LITERALLY EVERY OTHER UNIVERSITY DOES IT, let's write a petition to postpone it till September because I already bought my tickets for the summer and because two months is not enough time to write a 600 word research proposal," this is definitely going to be A DAY. *breathes into paper bag, reconsiders the need for sedatives*
astro_noms: (keep calm)
I had a panic attack at 2 in the morning yesterday, which makes two of them in the last three days. I suspect that as grad school application deadlines loom closer and closer, I'm going to have a few more of them. It's not that I'm freaking out over not getting in, because I'm pretty confident I can. But the prospect of choosing a thesis advisor, and deciding on a topic, and writing the thing, and playing by the stupid fucking medieval rules of Polish academia at the same time? *rocks in the corner*

On top of that, my mother's trying to convince me to go for a second BA - there used to be a two year diploma program at the institute of Judaic studies, but they've turned that into a regular BA program now - but I really don't know if I want to do that. Like, sure, it might be fun, but I haven't even decided if I'm going to stay at UWro, not to mention whether I'm going to try for a second degree. I guess I'm going to need to make up my mind pretty soon, since application dates are coming.

It's just... I've never been tremendously fond of writing critical analysis of anything. And to think I'm going to have to write 60+ pages of it makes me worry. Because what if I suck? What if I pick something I'm enthusiastic about, and I spend the two years of the program neck deep in research, and then it ends up sucking? What if I start hating it halfway through, and that totally screws up what I'm doing? And it's not like I can really talk to my mom about it, because she's just gonna bust out that old "stop being ridiculous, you're a smart girl, you can do anything you want," which thanks, I guess? but that's not what I'm looking for when I tell her stuff like this. And I'm going to stop writing this now, before I write myself into another panic attack... /o\
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