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yes brain, you can has

April 2015

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The Blogger's Prayer

Lo, there do I see my posts.
Lo, there do I see my tweets.
Lo, there do I see my gifsets and my picspams.
Lo, there do I see the line of my blog, back to the beginning.
Lo, they do call to me.
They bid me take my place among them on the Internets,
Where the geek may live forever.

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astro_noms: (all a little mad here)


  • I am at my grandparents' for the holidays, as usual, and I'm determined to try and enjoy myself rather than focusing on the fact that the memories of my bad x-mas experiences outweigh the memories of the good and as a result, I'm not very fond of them. So far, it's been not bad, but there's still tomorrow's preparations for Chrismas Eve dinner to get through. As long as I can make it through that, there'll be a couple of days' peace while we all sink into food comas.
  • I'm trying not to let my grandparents' obviously and visibly declining health (or maybe it's just old age?) or the fact that my aunt who lives next door got a very bad cancer diagnosis today (the words "malignant" and "metastasis" came up) affect my mood. #fuckcancer
  • I'm in a deep, dark hole as far as my MA thesis is concerned, and I have no idea how I'm going to get out of it. I know what I want to write, I know how to write it, I have the research and the materials, but I'll be damned if I can actually motivate myself to sit down and write the fucking thing.
  • My mom's coming to Poland for a week-long research trip in January, and while she's requested that I take some time off to spend it with her, I'm not sure that's going to be possible, given that it's going to be right at the end of the semester and I'm going to have a crapload of work to get done.
  • I didn't get around to renewing my passport on time, which means no February trip to New York for me this year (which I actually didn't know was in the cards until my mom asked if I wanted to go today). Not that I really would have considered it very seriously, given how far behind I am on my thesis, but it would have been nice to have the option.
  • The cat continues to be simultaneously the most adorable and the most irritating cat ever. I brought him with me for the holidays, and he's been spending a lot of time outside, which of course means that when we go back to Wrocław, he's going to be pining for the fjords outside, and given that we live on the 7th floor of an apartment block, it's not going to be easy to give it to him. I guess I'll have to make sure the balcony gets catproofed again so I can at least let him out. That and we'll have to keep buying the calming collars which, while they don't entirely cut down on the yowling, at least cut down the volume and actually do make him a bit calmer and gentler.
  • My DW account has expired, and other than the lack of the extra icons, I don't really notice a difference. I'm not going to renew it right now, because I rarely have time to post anyway these days. Hopefully if/when I get my fucking MA thesis done, my brain will reboot and I'll have more time/energy/brain power to write more.
  • I've resigned myself to the fact that we're not going to get a proper winter with snow and everything (or at least not in time for Christmas), and I've moved on to wishing it was spring already so I can take my bike outside and start learning to ride it. G and I have taken it apart and put it back together a couple of times, and I'm learning a lot about the mechanics and specifics of it, but dammit, I want to actually get out there and ride.


Here, have a picture of the cat cosplaying as a motorcycle engine. I'm not sure what purrs prettier, the cat or the engine. )

*sigh*

Jul. 27th, 2014 06:06 pm
astro_noms: (i am jack's lack of enthusiasm)
The forecast for the next five days is temps above +30C, which basically means crappy sleep, lack of energy, and daily (if not constant) headaches for me. I have stuff to translate for Friday, which would probably be doable even by myself, but G. is helping me with that, so I'll be OK. I've been running the fan pretty much non-stop during the day this weekend, because it's the only way to make things bearable. It'll probably mean the electricity part of our bill will be a little higher (although I'm not quite sure how that works, we don't get an actual bill, it's just part of the lump sum payment to the housing association), but if that's what I have to do to make it through the summer, so be it.

Since the semester ended six weeks ago, I've visited my grandparents once. Every time I talk to them, Gran asks "when are you coming home?" and I keep telling her "when I have time." My mom's coming to Poland on August 5th, so I guess my time for making excuses is running out, and I'll have to spend at least a couple of weeks there. It's not really a hardship, but being at my grandparents', with my mom there, means that I have to be "on" all the time, and I can't just shut myself away for a couple of days when I feel the need. Although I guess it's good timing for a trip out of town, since they're renovating our balconies, which means having to keep windows/balcony doors shut to keep out dust, dirt, and unwanted visitors, and if the heat continues the way it is, that will make the apartment very hard to handle.

My cousin A., who lives in Ireland, is getting married at the end of August, and I've got an invite to the wedding, but… I don't really want to go. I mean, I want to go but I also don't, if that makes sense? I don't know if my mom's husband is coming for the whole time my mom will be here, or just for the wedding, but she said they'll probably be taking a road trip to France and then a ferry across the Channel, and that I can catch a ride with them. The thing is, even if I only have to cover the cost of the ticket back, it's still more money than I'm comfortable spending on a trip for a wedding. I'd rather spend it on a trip that *I want to take, or put it towards something that *I want to do, not something that I "should" do because of ~~family obligations. I don't know… I guess I have most of August to figure out what I want to do, but the way I feel right now, I really don't feel up to going to a wedding and interacting with people—or spending several days in a car with my mother and her husband for that matter.
astro_noms: (by the light of the blood moon)
Mom: Have you been to church for recollections* this Lent?
Me: Nope.
Mom: Are you going to go?
Me: Nope.
Mom: Are you mad at the Church?
Me: Nope. I just don't feel the need to go.
Mom: Just don't tell your grandmother that, please.

And sure, I can understand why it's theoretically better not to say anything. My grandmother is old and fragile and she has her delusions about me being a deeply religious person, among other things, and it's best to keep the peace. But is it really better? I'm essentially lying to my grandparents, going to church only because they want me to go. I'm lying to them and lying to myself. I'm doing the thing I really hate other people for doing - going to church not for religious reasons, but for appearances' sake. Does the fact that I'm trying to do right by grandparents outweigh the hypocrisy of what I'm doing?


* Recollections are kinda like spiritual retreats, a series of lectures/prayer days where you go to church and listen to a super long homily on selected subjects. I don't know about other countries, but they're really popular here in Poland. The last ones I went to featured a homily for "women, wives, and mothers," which contained an anecdote about a wife who found a letter from her husband's mistress in his jacket, and when he came home, it was sitting on the family altar and he sat down with her and said "pray with me" and so they did, and when they got to the "forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us" he gave her an eloquent look and squeezed her hand, and now it's twenty years later, and they attend church together, holding hands, blah blah blah, and another one about... I don't actually remember what it was about, but it had a story about a guy who was a drunk and he spent his money on booze and then thought his kids had stolen it, so he beat the crap out of his daughter, poured gasoline on her and set her on fire, and then when she was in the hospital, dying, she asked to see her father, so they brought him from the prison, and she said to him, as he sat at her side and held her hand, "but daddy, I really didn't take the money." That was the last time I've ever gone to one of these things, and I'm never going back again if I can help it
astro_noms: (cute owl)
I'm sitting here, sniffling and listening to One Direction's Midnight Memories, and trying to figure out if I'm enjoying the album because it's actually good, or because I'm sick and I'm not in my right mind. I'm leaning towards the former, though, since there's at least one song ("Story of My Life") that I really like, so maybe I just needed to actually sit and listen to the whole thing through to appreciate it.

Spoke to my mom today, and she mentioned that she spoke to my grandparents, and that when she mentioned that I was sick (I indulged myself and whined like a little baby about being sick yesterday), they said they weren't expecting me until next week when I go home for Easter. I was actually planning on going home tomorrow, since I haven't been back for a few weeks, and there are some things I need to grab from my room, but now I'm thinking that I'm going to leave the decision until tomorrow. I've got a couple of trains that I can take so I don't have to get up super early or anything. I've been coughing quite a lot (so much that my ribs hurt) and it would probably be best if I just stayed home and tried to get better, but OTOH I'm going to feel awful about not going. It might be worth it just to avoid the self-guilt trip I'd inevitably end up laying on myself. On the other other hand, according to my doctor's instructions, if I don't get better by Saturday, I'm supposed to get the Z-pak prescription filled out and take that for three days and I'm not looking forward to how it's going to lay me out. Normally the antibiotics you take for 7-10 days don't affect me that much, but the higher dose in a Z-pack knocks me for a loop.

Ugh. I have so much to do this weekend, and if I go to my grandparents' I'm going to end up either half-assing it all while I'm there, or doing it all on Sunday night and half-assing it then. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. Bleah. Maybe I'll call my grandparents and try to sound as pathetic as I can and cough a lot, try to make them say I should stay home and get better...
astro_noms: (arrow: green)
It sucks having to watch every single thing I say and do, but if I'm willing to make the effort, the result is a fairly frictionless interaction with everyone, so maybe it's worth it. I'm just so tired of having to walk on eggshells around everyone and not speaking up when people thoughtlessly trample all over my feelings. *sigh*

The cakes both turned out awesome, you can barely tell there are lumps in the cream, and despite being composed of several pieces each, the cake layers held together and looked and tasted fucking amazing. I'm crediting the gluing power of my tears and rage, which are apparently not only crunchy and delicious, but combined with some willpower also make for good desserts.

Today my grandfather backed into some dude's car that was hauling Christmas trees and shattered the rear windshield in his car (everyone's fine, the only damage was to the window). This means I have to change my travel plans, but hopefully I can figure out something that will let me get back to Wrocław at some point tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to schlepping my suitcase/purse/camera tripod with me to the hospital (I have to go pick up some paperwork) before going back home, but it might be the best solution. I've got a few trains I can catch during the day, so I've got choices.

I'm ready to go home. For whatever value of "home" can be applied to my place in Wrocław.

*siiiiiigh*
astro_noms: (infinity in the palm of your hand)
I've fallen out of the habit of knitting (tbqh, I've fallen out of most habits that don't involve school and/or stress these days), but my aunt recently gave me back a shawl I had given to my grandmother, whopassed away in January, and my aunt thought I may want to have something of Gran's. There was a hole where the shawl got snagged and the yarn snapped, and I wanted to fix it, so I unraveled the plain thread that was used to patch it up. The hole was a bit too big to just sew up, so I decided to rip the shawl up to the hole, splice the yarn, and redo the frogged bit.

DSCF5911 :: DSCF5901


The shawl is a Swallowtail, which means nupps, which are kind of a pain in the ass, but which also look pretty cool. I don't actually find them all that difficult, just fiddly, but it'll be nice to get the shawl back in working order again. Of course, summer's coming, so I probably won't get a chance to wear it for the next few months, but at least it'll give me something to do in those moments where my brain refuses to engage in one more second of that whole "thinking" thing.

astro_noms: (goodnight everybody)
So the weekend started out mostly all right, and I was remaining sane, and everything was going fine. And then I left the room for FIVE GODDAMN MINUTES and there was double fail. I'm not going to go into it because I'd like to maintain some semblance of sanity and optimism for the next two days. Suffice it to say there is not enough alcohol in the world for this, and leave it at that. I will probably write a bit more about this at a later point, because I need to talk about it, and it's either this or unloading on someone in chat or IRL and god knows I've been doing that too much lately - thank you, [personal profile] scarimonious and [livejournal.com profile] upupa_epops, and sorry about that.

I had an idea for a story yesterday as I was walking to church, and I'm kind of flaily and wibbly over it. I'd like to flesh it out and possibly turn it into a story for wave one of [community profile] originalbigbang but for the moment all I have is an idea that's kind of a modern retelling of The Little Mermaid, with the girl giving up her voice in exchange for something, only she's not a mermaid. I haven't decided whether the bit about every feeling like she's walking on knives will stay in, though. And I just realized, if I go with the original Hans Christian Andersen story, she's going to die at the end. Shit. Um. Need to think about this.

We're turning the clocks forward tonight, and we're going to church early tomorrow morning, so I'm going to bed now. Here's hoping things look a little better tomorrow.
astro_noms: (rainbow umbrella)

YIPPEE DYE YAY, MOTHERCLUCKER


So, Easter holiday weekend with the family! I am strangely upbeat and maintaining sanity, which means I may just complete the "survive Easter" task on Get Ye Done with flying colors rather than "well, that sucked hairy balls, but at least I'm still alive." What's important is that I still have some herbal calming stuff left over, and there is a lot of alcohol in the house, so if need be, I can medicate one way or another.

My uncle and cousin are here, and my cousin just made me very happy by leaning over and whispering "Game of Thrones tomorrow!" to me. He's not very geeky and not at all in fandom, but at least I'll have someone to watch with.

So, Happy Easter to those who celebrate. Happy long weekend to those who don't. And remember, don't let the zombie Jesus get you!

sadness

Jan. 5th, 2013 04:20 pm
astro_noms: (wheaty field of wheat)
Grandma S. passed away today.

I was going to write a rant about how I couldn't understand my family's decision not to take her to the hospital and fight for her and try to get her stronger, but there's no point now. At least she died at home, somewhere was familiar with, surrounded by family, rather than in a cold and sterile hospital.

I'm having difficulty processing this, mostly I just feel numb and sort of like I'm watching all of this happening from a distance? IDK it's hard to describe.

I'm glad I got to spend a little time with her before the end, while she still recognized me. I got to say goodbye, and I had a feeling that it was the last time. I don't think I was expecting her to pass away this soon, I had hoped that maybe with some treatment she'd get a bit stronger, but I think I was resigned to not seeing her again.

I sat down to this post expecting it would make me cry, but it hasn't. I know it's normal for people to have different reactions, but there's still a tiny voice in my head that's asking what the fuck is wrong with me because I'm not crying.
astro_noms: (explosions fuck yeah)
I'm going to follow last year's precedent and break this up into a review post and a "favorites" post. The latter of which will come tomorrow, because it's after 3am and I should have been asleep a couple of hours ago already.

Fannish and meatspace things. )

I'm home

Dec. 31st, 2012 05:09 pm
astro_noms: (by the light of the blood moon)
I'm so far from OK I can't even. But there's nothing I can do. So I'm going to have a nap, and then see about everything else.
astro_noms: (yarr)
Presented without commentary. )
astro_noms: (vote plague)
I missed Sunday Six last week because of reasons. I haven't actually written much lately, also because of reasons. Still, have a few more than six sentences:
"Hi," he says, reaching up to wipe the blood from his mouth, and only making things worse since his hands are covered with blood, too. He makes a face and walks to the sink to wash his hands, scrubbing at his fingernails.

Alex can only stare at him, and at the blood-soaked sheet covering on the floor behind him.

"What... what did you do?"

"There are some injuries conventional medicine just can't fix," he says, drying his hands. "A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do, you understand."

"You're not a man," Alex blurts out, and he raises an eyebrow at her.

"Caught on to that, did you?" He crosses the room toward her and she backs away until her back hits the wall. He comes in close, until they're standing flush against each other, and leans in to sniff at her neck. "Izzy's taught you some tricks, I see," he says, his breath brushing Alex's cheek. "What else has he taught you?"

Alex puts a hand on his chest, and pushes him away rom her, moving away from the wall and out into the open. "How do you know about Izzy? What the hell are you?"

"Well, you're on the right track with Hell," he gives her a predatory smile again, and there's a groaning noise from behind him. He glances over his shoulder and frowns. "Excuse me a moment, will you?" He presses a finger to her lips. "You should probably be very quiet right now."
And then there are Dead Space-style monsters and FEELINGS.

Ugh, &them; *waves Alex/B 4EVA flag*

In other news, I am sick! Not completely, but there's sniffles and sneezing and stuffed up sinuses and ugh, someone come over and put me out of my misery. Tomorrow, I am going to Strzegom to visit Grandma S and family, and then Tuesday, I will be in Wrocław, and then back home. I'd stay longer in WRO, but Gran was all "you're going to be gone how long?!" because she doesn't understand how I can come home for Christmas and still have hoomework to take care of and, apparently, want to see family other than Gran and Grandpa. *sigh*

After Christmas is over, it should be easier to get out of here even for a couple of days, so hopefully I'll get to see other people. Until then, it's CLEANING! (even though the house gets thoroughly cleaned every week) and PANIC! because there's so much food to be made, etc., and no amount of me trying to be reasonable and point out that there are three of us, so maybe a metric fuckton of food isn't really necessary is going to get through. Also, I volunteered to make a Black Forest chocolate cake, so that should be fun. Of course, I fully expect Gran to decide to make her usual walnut cake anyway, but I'm making that fucking cake if it kills me, so there. :P
astro_noms: (by the light of the blood moon)
And then I got a text message from my aunt telling me that Grandma S. has been sick and was in the hospital and things are not good.
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