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yes brain, you can has

April 2015

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The Blogger's Prayer

Lo, there do I see my posts.
Lo, there do I see my tweets.
Lo, there do I see my gifsets and my picspams.
Lo, there do I see the line of my blog, back to the beginning.
Lo, they do call to me.
They bid me take my place among them on the Internets,
Where the geek may live forever.

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astro_noms: (dinosaurs can love too)
  • shopping therapy really does help a bit when you're feeling like crap
  • I'm starting to find it easier and easier to stick to the "I'm not afraid of colors" mantra when shopping - mostly evidenced by this bag I got myself today
  • my cat is (for some reason) terrified of balloons - like, run and hide under the bed scared - I was hoping he'd enjoy playing with it for at least a while, but nope, not happening
  • going off the antidepressants I'm taking for my PMDD-related troubles actually helps me with my libido and not feeling like I'm either numb or so sensitive that the barest touch leaves me feeling like I'm bruised
  • if I want to get off the antidepressants I'm taking for my PMDD-related troubles, I'm going to have to find some other way to deal with it, because being able to get off and not feel bruised isn't really worth the emo-fest I go through every month
  • the emo-fest makes it really hard to function in the real world, because even the slightest inconvenience/frustration/sad thing/cute animal makes me want to curl up and cry until I pass out
  • there is something equally frustrating (especially when your iron is as crappy as mine), embarrassing (because seriously, who does that anymore), and satisfying (because ahhh, sliding in under the nicely covered duvet) about making the bed with freshly ironed sheets
  • the feeling only lasts for a day or two, and then the sheets get all wrinkled and covered with cat hair anyway
  • bullet point lists are a good way to get out some things that I want to get out but don't really feel like talking about in detail
  • I can't wait until it's warm enough to sleep with my windows open again
astro_noms: (all a little mad here)


  • I am at my grandparents' for the holidays, as usual, and I'm determined to try and enjoy myself rather than focusing on the fact that the memories of my bad x-mas experiences outweigh the memories of the good and as a result, I'm not very fond of them. So far, it's been not bad, but there's still tomorrow's preparations for Chrismas Eve dinner to get through. As long as I can make it through that, there'll be a couple of days' peace while we all sink into food comas.
  • I'm trying not to let my grandparents' obviously and visibly declining health (or maybe it's just old age?) or the fact that my aunt who lives next door got a very bad cancer diagnosis today (the words "malignant" and "metastasis" came up) affect my mood. #fuckcancer
  • I'm in a deep, dark hole as far as my MA thesis is concerned, and I have no idea how I'm going to get out of it. I know what I want to write, I know how to write it, I have the research and the materials, but I'll be damned if I can actually motivate myself to sit down and write the fucking thing.
  • My mom's coming to Poland for a week-long research trip in January, and while she's requested that I take some time off to spend it with her, I'm not sure that's going to be possible, given that it's going to be right at the end of the semester and I'm going to have a crapload of work to get done.
  • I didn't get around to renewing my passport on time, which means no February trip to New York for me this year (which I actually didn't know was in the cards until my mom asked if I wanted to go today). Not that I really would have considered it very seriously, given how far behind I am on my thesis, but it would have been nice to have the option.
  • The cat continues to be simultaneously the most adorable and the most irritating cat ever. I brought him with me for the holidays, and he's been spending a lot of time outside, which of course means that when we go back to Wrocław, he's going to be pining for the fjords outside, and given that we live on the 7th floor of an apartment block, it's not going to be easy to give it to him. I guess I'll have to make sure the balcony gets catproofed again so I can at least let him out. That and we'll have to keep buying the calming collars which, while they don't entirely cut down on the yowling, at least cut down the volume and actually do make him a bit calmer and gentler.
  • My DW account has expired, and other than the lack of the extra icons, I don't really notice a difference. I'm not going to renew it right now, because I rarely have time to post anyway these days. Hopefully if/when I get my fucking MA thesis done, my brain will reboot and I'll have more time/energy/brain power to write more.
  • I've resigned myself to the fact that we're not going to get a proper winter with snow and everything (or at least not in time for Christmas), and I've moved on to wishing it was spring already so I can take my bike outside and start learning to ride it. G and I have taken it apart and put it back together a couple of times, and I'm learning a lot about the mechanics and specifics of it, but dammit, I want to actually get out there and ride.


Here, have a picture of the cat cosplaying as a motorcycle engine. I'm not sure what purrs prettier, the cat or the engine. )
astro_noms: (av needs no pants)
What's that saying about the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome? It feels like I'm stuck in a loop of exactly that right now. I know I shouldn't do it, I know it's not going to change anything (because it hasn't the last several dozen times) and yet, every time I tell myself "ok, no more, stop it right now," I end up back where I started. And every time nothing changes, I think "oh, hey, now I get it, it's not going to work, I should really stop," but then I find myself doing it again anyway.

Stupid brain. Stupid feelings. Stupid everything.

*sigh*

Jul. 27th, 2014 06:06 pm
astro_noms: (i am jack's lack of enthusiasm)
The forecast for the next five days is temps above +30C, which basically means crappy sleep, lack of energy, and daily (if not constant) headaches for me. I have stuff to translate for Friday, which would probably be doable even by myself, but G. is helping me with that, so I'll be OK. I've been running the fan pretty much non-stop during the day this weekend, because it's the only way to make things bearable. It'll probably mean the electricity part of our bill will be a little higher (although I'm not quite sure how that works, we don't get an actual bill, it's just part of the lump sum payment to the housing association), but if that's what I have to do to make it through the summer, so be it.

Since the semester ended six weeks ago, I've visited my grandparents once. Every time I talk to them, Gran asks "when are you coming home?" and I keep telling her "when I have time." My mom's coming to Poland on August 5th, so I guess my time for making excuses is running out, and I'll have to spend at least a couple of weeks there. It's not really a hardship, but being at my grandparents', with my mom there, means that I have to be "on" all the time, and I can't just shut myself away for a couple of days when I feel the need. Although I guess it's good timing for a trip out of town, since they're renovating our balconies, which means having to keep windows/balcony doors shut to keep out dust, dirt, and unwanted visitors, and if the heat continues the way it is, that will make the apartment very hard to handle.

My cousin A., who lives in Ireland, is getting married at the end of August, and I've got an invite to the wedding, but… I don't really want to go. I mean, I want to go but I also don't, if that makes sense? I don't know if my mom's husband is coming for the whole time my mom will be here, or just for the wedding, but she said they'll probably be taking a road trip to France and then a ferry across the Channel, and that I can catch a ride with them. The thing is, even if I only have to cover the cost of the ticket back, it's still more money than I'm comfortable spending on a trip for a wedding. I'd rather spend it on a trip that *I want to take, or put it towards something that *I want to do, not something that I "should" do because of ~~family obligations. I don't know… I guess I have most of August to figure out what I want to do, but the way I feel right now, I really don't feel up to going to a wedding and interacting with people—or spending several days in a car with my mother and her husband for that matter.

#fml

Jul. 26th, 2014 01:53 am
astro_noms: (sexytimes ahoy!)
I gotta say, it says something about the level of suckitude when even in my dreams, the sexy times fizzle out before anything happens...
astro_noms: (dinosaurs can love too)
The design job fell apart yesterday (tl;dr - the clients turned out to be unprofessional dickbags who didn't return phone calls, didn't follow through on what they said they would do, and to top it all off, expected the two of us to do the work for less than the monthly wage of a grocery store cashier, so we told them to go fuck themselves), and the aftermath is hitting me today. It's the middle of July, and I've spent the last month holding off on finding another job with the hope that this would take care of the summer job situation. As it is, my mother's coming to Poland in a couple of weeks, so I'm probably going to be expected to be at my grandparents' for the duration of her stay, and with no job to fall back on, I don't even have an excuse of needing to be home rather than there. (My family don't know about the job falling apart, so maybe I can keep it that way? IDK.)

I haven't been able to write, not fanfic, not original stuff, not my MA thesis, not my blogs. I feel hollow and burned out, and nothing I do is helping. I've been trying to catch up on my reading list a bit, but my attention span keeps wandering and I get distracted/bored and wander off to... do nothing. Catching up on TV shows isn't really working because of the same attention span issues. And it's too hot/humid/muggy outside to go and do summer stuff outside. So mostly, it's been a month of just... existing, and hoping summer will end sooner than later.

This is where you guys come in! I'm going to push through this ennui thing and make myself do something creative. I'll take five prompts for a fanmix (since that's what seems to be the most realistic right now), between 10-15 songs. Can be fandom/fic/book/movie/whatever-specific, can be just a theme, whatever. I'd go back to the list of prompts for the fanmix project, but revisiting a failure from two years ago hardly seems like the thing to do when trying to move ahead.

1. Non-English songs ([personal profile] sylvaine)
2. Steve/Bucky reunion ([personal profile] musesfool)
3. Songs To Kill Monsters By ([personal profile] wiredwizard)
4. Songs to Watch Thunderstorms With ([personal profile] crescent_gaia)
5. Cannibalism ([personal profile] scarimonious)
astro_noms: (i'll make it all go away)
So when we moved into the new flat, I decided that the time had come to buy myself a proper bed, with a mattress and frame and everything. Seeing as the sofa the owner had left us was so old it was practically falling apart, it was either that or sleep on the floor. So I bought a frame with a slatted bottom, and a foam mattress.

And then the problems started. The slats were sliding all over the place with the slightest move, and falling off the center beam, which left holes under the mattress and was pretty uncomfortable. So I went to the hardware store and bought some nails to fix them in place. And I don't know if this is because there are too few slats, or if it's actually the mattress or something, but lately I've had some pretty awful back pain and numbness in my muscles whenever I lie on the bed, or hell, even when I just sit on it. And considering I use my bed as a couch some of the time (for reading, or for watching something, or just for non-writing computer use), it's not something that I can just not do.

I don't know whether the stiffness and pain in my trapezius is only from sleeping on the bed or whether I pulled something in the move, but it can reduce my ability to turn my head to the right by about 50%. I'm hoping that buying a piece of plywood to put over the slats will fix things, because otherwise I might have to look at getting another mattress or something. I would have gotten a spring mattress rather than just a foam one, but they're pretty expensive and out of my price range. I guess if the board under the mattress doesn't help, I can always get rid of/sell the frame and just put the mattress on the floor and sleep like that.
astro_noms: (so tired zomg)
So apparently my body has decided that rather than the crippling 2-3 day migraines I used to get with my period, I'm now going to be dealing with insomnia. Which, OK, acceptable trade, but this staying up till 4am thing is getting ridiculous, especially when the plan for the next day is to get up at a reasonable time and head to the library to do homework. :( I am actually kinda tired, but the moment I try to actually go to sleep my brain kicks into high gear. What's worse, I'm not even thinking about one thing, it's like skipping tracks or flipping through TV channels at high speed, so I only get fragments of words and flashes of the ShamWow! guy hawking the latest whatchamacallit on late night TV.

I fell into the Covert Affairs hole today, and watched a bunch of first season eps. I love this show SO MUCH! I'm kinda iffy on Jai, because he just seems too... idk, smooth or something, and Liza, because I've never really liked any character played by Emmanuelle Vaugier, but everyone else is kinda totally awesome. ESPECIALLY ODED FEHR I HOPE HE COMES BACK SOON.

While I was watching, I started knitting a hat, because we were at the shop today, and I realized that there's no point in buying a premade hat when I can make a better one myself, so instead we went next door, and bought some yarn. Acrylic, sure, but for a quickie hat, it's perfect. So I tried a couple of cast-ons, figured out the approximate gauge I'd need, and then realized, after knitting an inch and a half of ribbing, that I didn't check the pattern to see how many stitches I'd need. But it turned out that I only needed to make one small change, and everything was fine. And then I knitted about four inches of the thing before I decided to try it on, and discovered that it was far too loose to be of any use. And then I frogged it, did some quick alterations to the pattern, and cast on again. Hopefully this time it'll actually be the right number of stitches, augh.
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