this is why mommy drinks

I listed all the finals I have in the next month (!!!) to my mom, and she was all "oh my god, I can't believe you have so many!" and it's like, yeah, I have a couple more exams this year (that actually take place in the exam session), but this semester I have the fewest classes in the last three years. Well, no, that's not right, the first term in Wales had even fewer, but there was a lot more work involved in those, so they don't count. And logically, I know everything's going to be OK - I may not get the highest marks possible, but I probably won't have too much trouble passing (except for History of English, which freaks me out because I have no idea how to even get started studying for it) - but I can't help stressing out over the whole thing anyway. Like, I've been alternating between having zero motivation and zero fucks to give, wanting to curl up and cry, and actually sitting here and bursting into tears.

Which is what happened today. They posted the MA seminars we'll have to choose from next year, and of course the guy who told me that my approach to the topic I was thinking of writing on was "too Western" and that I should try to make things more "encyclopedic" is the one running the translation seminar. *headdesk* I'm going to try and get to the dean's office tomorrow morning before class and find out if there's a procedure for finding a different advisor (I'm sure it involves written requests in triplicate and probably at least a piece of my soul) but as things stand right now, I cannot see myself writing anything with the current seminar instructor as an advisor (mostly because I got my hopes up and he unceremoniously stomped on them, and also he's running our integrated skills/grammar class this semester, and I realize that it's not his fault that the curriculum and the testing procedures are shitty, but I'm blaming him for it anyway and WE HATES HIM, PRECIOUS) (and yes, I realize I'm being overly dramatic, but shut up, let me have my freak out). I've sent out notes to other universities asking if they have lists of seminars for next year yet, so I'm not totally excluding the possibility that I won't be staying at UWr for my MA. I just... There's only one translation seminar, and I really don't want to get stuck having to do something I don't want to do just because the advisor wants me to go go by the book and not try to come up with anything new and challenging. I thought that was the point of grad school, getting to do new things! trying to come up with new approaches! But nope, don't rock the boat, don't think too hard, and don't you dare come up with anything other than what's already been done to death, because otherwise you'll make life more difficult for your advisor, and you don't want to do that, now, do you? FUCK POLISH ACADEMIA IN THE EAR.

Why do I have to go to grad school, anyway? Why can't I just run away and live on a small island off the coast of Scotland (or the Pacific Northwest) (or somewhere possibly less rainy) (but let's face it, I'd totally take either one of those places anyway)?

I'm sorry for all the woe and angst and whining that's been going on here lately. I JUST HAVE ALL THESE FEELINGS and I don't know what to do with them. Hopefully in about 4-6 weeks, things will settle down a bit (unless of course I don't pass my finals / don't pass the BA exam / don't get into grad school, in which case I apologize in advance).

Also, apologies for the late uploads from earlier this week. I'll try to get the post done at some point tomorrow, because I just don't have the spoons tonight.